I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
pray to the hookup gods
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
