Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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