1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
