I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
