He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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