Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
