Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
