You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
