she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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