walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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