I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
