OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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