Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
