you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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