we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
