Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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