And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
BRING THE BAGELS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
