u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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