My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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