i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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