I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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