Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
