Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
