2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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