so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
