very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
