So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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