Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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