Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
