Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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