i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My life is pants optional.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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