im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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