Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My penis needs a shock collar
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
