I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
