my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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