i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
