I wish you could order shots online.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
