There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
