i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
