I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
