I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
