Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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