I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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