your parents love me but you hate me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
