I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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