Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
