what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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