perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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