Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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