If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
