Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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