do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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