How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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