i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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