you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
