Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
