Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
