your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
