some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
